Expendable

As I laid down to sleep tonight, I kept tossing and turning because my mind decided to look inward. As now my sex life is pretty much extinct, I've run out of the distractions of it and am forced to reflect on it. I used to be the girl that wished a relationship out of guys. The girl the befriended first and then got screwed over (both ways) later. The girl that played the slow game. The girl that invested herself in others. It was upon this reflection that the harsh truth surfaced. That part is missing. Perhaps it really is because I am that scarred and tried to pretend I wasn't or forced myself to be more healed than I am. But, I am doing a dis-service to my problems and denying the problem in general by forcing it that quickly.

The truth is, I lost the kind of person that you don't ever expect to lose. I've only encountered these kinds of people twice before in my life. One, I am always encountering instances of the hole that was left by their passing. And the other, I still check on every once and awhile despite not talking in a year we can pick up right where we left off. I am speaking of the friends that you bare your soul to. The kind you let further in than anyone else. And, this is not a conscious decision. I do have other friends that I am extremely close to but the cards of how we are as people prevents this level of connection I am speaking about. One friend in particular I am extremely close to, but his expectations of me and judging nature prevent this extreme level of vulnerability. I'm not saying its a bad thing and he is very much needed as a reality check when I'm becoming a monster or person I don't recognize. But, the connection I am speaking of is a pure love. It does not have to be romantic. But, essentially you have let every guard down and believe they have done so as well. And instead of trying to fix things, you accept it all. You love it all. These are the kinds of friendships I am speaking about. They are extremely rare and you just know when you've found them.

However, the problem with these friendships is that if they end, they produce so much damage that you cannot fathom. I started realizing today some of the extent of mine. I now feel dead inside. Oh, I can spout off how hurt I am and give people information. What I can't do anymore is confide a genuine feeling anymore. I can't cry and look for comfort. I can't invest any amount of vulnerability. I can't even like a guy anymore because I'm too scared to try and feel that close to a person. And this is because of one simple realization. Expendability.

You see, to spend so long peeling back layers of yourself and another person and investing time and emotion means you are giving yourself to another. You are letting them have parts of you and even placing in their hands part of your self-worth. Its why their opinion matters most and its why you always seek it. And so, when this friendship ends (in a way that isn't death related), you feel expendable. As if all of it was an illusion you concocted. Because surely if someone looked far enough into your soul, they would find enough of a reason to try and work through anything. If they knew you as much as you thought they did, then they couldn't be indifferent about you.

And so, I share this last element of vulnerability I can muster. This deep down soul-searching to let it be heard that I am not this person that I am acting like. I am not this cavalier about men. I am not as deep as a puddle. I am not a whore. I am not a homewrecker. And I am not a person that isn't hurt when I know that's what conclusions are being made. But, the person that I am has lost a huge piece of herself on a person that doesn't give a shit anymore. And so I am trying to numb pain, staying as positive and distracted as possible, and digging down deep to find the girl that is better than this one right now. Because I don't want to be expendable anymore.