Since it keeps coming up on how I should know what I want when it comes to men. I'll just try and see if I can write anything.
I want a guy where its okay to expect him to be around.
I want a guy that wants to be around me.
I want a guy that I don't have to explain Shawshank Redemption to.
I want a guy that doesn't greatly enjoy manipulating people so I can know he is being candid with me.
I want him to be moderately attractive. Being able to want to see him naked is kind of important.
I want a guy who I can be proud to introduce to my friends. Meaning he's socially savvy.
I want, confidence. So tired of being dominant most of the time. Would be nice to have someone challenge me.
I want someone to share things with. Someone to cook for, do sappy things for, and feel like I'm pouring my time and energy into a person that actually cares.
I want someone who wants to do something with their lives so I can support them in whatever passions they have.
I want someone who I can talk for hours to about whatever comes to mind.
I want someone who I can be so comfortable with that we can just be with each other in silence.
I want someone who will sing, even if they have a crappy voice. Or play an instrument. I just really swoon over the musically inclined.
I want someone who wants to put the time in to build a strong friendship as well as a relationship.
And I just want this continual fuck and run to end. I am tired of the pretending it didn't happen, awkwardness the next day, friendships being ruined, and having to continually search through all of the "fabulous" guys out around here who totally make me feel awesome with their creepy come on's and not picking up on the hint that I'm not interested.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Poke'mon Beer Pong Rules
Dig - Throw from below the table line and make it - take two cups away
Fly - Lose a turn but throw from a chair so you're looking above the table
Stun spore or other paralyzing moves - Choose a player of opposite team to lose a turn
Curse - Lose half your cups but your opponent must lose a cup every three turns
Future Sight - If you make the shot your opponent must take a cup away two turns later
Supersonic or other confusion causing moves - Opponent must spin around until dizzy before throwing the ball (dice roll to determine how many turns)
Tackle - a regular throw
Rest - Completely restores your cups but you lose your next two turns. Because you are sleeping.
Attract - if one member of the opposing team is of the opposite sex, they have to stare into your eyes for their next couple turns.
I need some creative juices to come up with more moves and a set way to do this.
Fly - Lose a turn but throw from a chair so you're looking above the table
Stun spore or other paralyzing moves - Choose a player of opposite team to lose a turn
Curse - Lose half your cups but your opponent must lose a cup every three turns
Future Sight - If you make the shot your opponent must take a cup away two turns later
Supersonic or other confusion causing moves - Opponent must spin around until dizzy before throwing the ball (dice roll to determine how many turns)
Tackle - a regular throw
Rest - Completely restores your cups but you lose your next two turns. Because you are sleeping.
Attract - if one member of the opposing team is of the opposite sex, they have to stare into your eyes for their next couple turns.
I need some creative juices to come up with more moves and a set way to do this.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Expendable
As I laid down to sleep tonight, I kept tossing and turning because my mind decided to look inward. As now my sex life is pretty much extinct, I've run out of the distractions of it and am forced to reflect on it. I used to be the girl that wished a relationship out of guys. The girl the befriended first and then got screwed over (both ways) later. The girl that played the slow game. The girl that invested herself in others. It was upon this reflection that the harsh truth surfaced. That part is missing. Perhaps it really is because I am that scarred and tried to pretend I wasn't or forced myself to be more healed than I am. But, I am doing a dis-service to my problems and denying the problem in general by forcing it that quickly.
The truth is, I lost the kind of person that you don't ever expect to lose. I've only encountered these kinds of people twice before in my life. One, I am always encountering instances of the hole that was left by their passing. And the other, I still check on every once and awhile despite not talking in a year we can pick up right where we left off. I am speaking of the friends that you bare your soul to. The kind you let further in than anyone else. And, this is not a conscious decision. I do have other friends that I am extremely close to but the cards of how we are as people prevents this level of connection I am speaking about. One friend in particular I am extremely close to, but his expectations of me and judging nature prevent this extreme level of vulnerability. I'm not saying its a bad thing and he is very much needed as a reality check when I'm becoming a monster or person I don't recognize. But, the connection I am speaking of is a pure love. It does not have to be romantic. But, essentially you have let every guard down and believe they have done so as well. And instead of trying to fix things, you accept it all. You love it all. These are the kinds of friendships I am speaking about. They are extremely rare and you just know when you've found them.
However, the problem with these friendships is that if they end, they produce so much damage that you cannot fathom. I started realizing today some of the extent of mine. I now feel dead inside. Oh, I can spout off how hurt I am and give people information. What I can't do anymore is confide a genuine feeling anymore. I can't cry and look for comfort. I can't invest any amount of vulnerability. I can't even like a guy anymore because I'm too scared to try and feel that close to a person. And this is because of one simple realization. Expendability.
You see, to spend so long peeling back layers of yourself and another person and investing time and emotion means you are giving yourself to another. You are letting them have parts of you and even placing in their hands part of your self-worth. Its why their opinion matters most and its why you always seek it. And so, when this friendship ends (in a way that isn't death related), you feel expendable. As if all of it was an illusion you concocted. Because surely if someone looked far enough into your soul, they would find enough of a reason to try and work through anything. If they knew you as much as you thought they did, then they couldn't be indifferent about you.
And so, I share this last element of vulnerability I can muster. This deep down soul-searching to let it be heard that I am not this person that I am acting like. I am not this cavalier about men. I am not as deep as a puddle. I am not a whore. I am not a homewrecker. And I am not a person that isn't hurt when I know that's what conclusions are being made. But, the person that I am has lost a huge piece of herself on a person that doesn't give a shit anymore. And so I am trying to numb pain, staying as positive and distracted as possible, and digging down deep to find the girl that is better than this one right now. Because I don't want to be expendable anymore.
The truth is, I lost the kind of person that you don't ever expect to lose. I've only encountered these kinds of people twice before in my life. One, I am always encountering instances of the hole that was left by their passing. And the other, I still check on every once and awhile despite not talking in a year we can pick up right where we left off. I am speaking of the friends that you bare your soul to. The kind you let further in than anyone else. And, this is not a conscious decision. I do have other friends that I am extremely close to but the cards of how we are as people prevents this level of connection I am speaking about. One friend in particular I am extremely close to, but his expectations of me and judging nature prevent this extreme level of vulnerability. I'm not saying its a bad thing and he is very much needed as a reality check when I'm becoming a monster or person I don't recognize. But, the connection I am speaking of is a pure love. It does not have to be romantic. But, essentially you have let every guard down and believe they have done so as well. And instead of trying to fix things, you accept it all. You love it all. These are the kinds of friendships I am speaking about. They are extremely rare and you just know when you've found them.
However, the problem with these friendships is that if they end, they produce so much damage that you cannot fathom. I started realizing today some of the extent of mine. I now feel dead inside. Oh, I can spout off how hurt I am and give people information. What I can't do anymore is confide a genuine feeling anymore. I can't cry and look for comfort. I can't invest any amount of vulnerability. I can't even like a guy anymore because I'm too scared to try and feel that close to a person. And this is because of one simple realization. Expendability.
You see, to spend so long peeling back layers of yourself and another person and investing time and emotion means you are giving yourself to another. You are letting them have parts of you and even placing in their hands part of your self-worth. Its why their opinion matters most and its why you always seek it. And so, when this friendship ends (in a way that isn't death related), you feel expendable. As if all of it was an illusion you concocted. Because surely if someone looked far enough into your soul, they would find enough of a reason to try and work through anything. If they knew you as much as you thought they did, then they couldn't be indifferent about you.
And so, I share this last element of vulnerability I can muster. This deep down soul-searching to let it be heard that I am not this person that I am acting like. I am not this cavalier about men. I am not as deep as a puddle. I am not a whore. I am not a homewrecker. And I am not a person that isn't hurt when I know that's what conclusions are being made. But, the person that I am has lost a huge piece of herself on a person that doesn't give a shit anymore. And so I am trying to numb pain, staying as positive and distracted as possible, and digging down deep to find the girl that is better than this one right now. Because I don't want to be expendable anymore.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Holy Fuck!
So, since you are actively pursuing whatever I post here, you asked for it. Parental Warning: Lots of talk regarding sex, immoral behavior, and other things probably considered TMI.
Now, my life as of late is insane. I mean my friend circle exploded a few months ago (and I talk about it often). But, you talk about the things you want most resolved. Hence why I used to talk about my love life far more frequently than this topic. But, I have hope that eventually one day I will either stop caring or it will resolve itself. For now, I'm just trying to find friends that I can connect with on a bizarre level. I mean that's why I talk about it so much. I lost one of my friends that I talked to everyday and told everything to. Its difficult to replace the person that was the first person you wanted to tell anything to or the person you could spend hours chatting with about whatever subject popped in your head.
Now, for the sex portion. Oh dear god have I become some kind of whore?!? I think something has just happened with my confidence or whatever because I pretty much have done something with every person I have been attracted to recently. And of course all the awesome stuff is with very unavailable men. I mean this most recent guy who is the only person that the sex has been absolutely awesome on all levels, taken. I mean that's why my friend circle was obliterated in the first place because of this crap and I seemed to have gone right back to doing it. But, the sex is that awesome. And its really hard to come by. Good sex, not sex in general.
Other recent sexcapade is complicated since I'm pretty sure his best friend likes me (I'm not interested). But, the friend is now becoming a jerk towards me and a cock block/ twat swat with any interaction with other dude. I mean I had hopes things wouldn't get awkward and they aren't between me and who I slept with. Just awkward having it involve a third person.
Relationships seem so foreign right now. Not to mention I probably have an extreme amount of trust issues currently. I mean being "the other woman" twice messes with your head in who is actually a decent human being. I mean every person has the capacity to cheat and it seems like a lot of them do. Its just a matter of some clock ticking till it happens. Monogamy is an illusion. And here's the greatest part, they will cheat, get caught, and lie between their teeth till the bitter end. Honesty, the most prized thing for me in every relationship, doesn't seem to exist in people I once thought would have strong integrity. Ugh. And sex ruins my life! Mostly cuz I sleep with friends, but the two non-friends I've slept (or attempted to sleep with since one was impotent) turns out to be a mess too. Girlfriend and psycho. Decisions, decisions. I am just sick and tired of being a dirty little secret. And that seems to be it.
In other news, losing weight really does make you more confident. I mean at least I'm getting laid now. Right? *silver lining*
Now, my life as of late is insane. I mean my friend circle exploded a few months ago (and I talk about it often). But, you talk about the things you want most resolved. Hence why I used to talk about my love life far more frequently than this topic. But, I have hope that eventually one day I will either stop caring or it will resolve itself. For now, I'm just trying to find friends that I can connect with on a bizarre level. I mean that's why I talk about it so much. I lost one of my friends that I talked to everyday and told everything to. Its difficult to replace the person that was the first person you wanted to tell anything to or the person you could spend hours chatting with about whatever subject popped in your head.
Now, for the sex portion. Oh dear god have I become some kind of whore?!? I think something has just happened with my confidence or whatever because I pretty much have done something with every person I have been attracted to recently. And of course all the awesome stuff is with very unavailable men. I mean this most recent guy who is the only person that the sex has been absolutely awesome on all levels, taken. I mean that's why my friend circle was obliterated in the first place because of this crap and I seemed to have gone right back to doing it. But, the sex is that awesome. And its really hard to come by. Good sex, not sex in general.
Other recent sexcapade is complicated since I'm pretty sure his best friend likes me (I'm not interested). But, the friend is now becoming a jerk towards me and a cock block/ twat swat with any interaction with other dude. I mean I had hopes things wouldn't get awkward and they aren't between me and who I slept with. Just awkward having it involve a third person.
Relationships seem so foreign right now. Not to mention I probably have an extreme amount of trust issues currently. I mean being "the other woman" twice messes with your head in who is actually a decent human being. I mean every person has the capacity to cheat and it seems like a lot of them do. Its just a matter of some clock ticking till it happens. Monogamy is an illusion. And here's the greatest part, they will cheat, get caught, and lie between their teeth till the bitter end. Honesty, the most prized thing for me in every relationship, doesn't seem to exist in people I once thought would have strong integrity. Ugh. And sex ruins my life! Mostly cuz I sleep with friends, but the two non-friends I've slept (or attempted to sleep with since one was impotent) turns out to be a mess too. Girlfriend and psycho. Decisions, decisions. I am just sick and tired of being a dirty little secret. And that seems to be it.
In other news, losing weight really does make you more confident. I mean at least I'm getting laid now. Right? *silver lining*
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