Failboating

Perhaps many already know that another "failboat" has occured. Indeed, my love life is one of fallen hopes, dashed dreams, and empty words. This latest one I try to take less hard. I figure since the person is at a distance I really haven't lost much anyways. I realize how little of my day had to do with him anyways. If anything, it has just cleared up my mind to think of other things. I am sad those other things are largely the stresses of my life but nonetheless it is perhaps healthier to think of those things. Anyways, I suppose the lesson to take from things this time is to simply not try so hard. Doing the vast majority of the legwork is a bad sign. Especially if I am looking for an equal. I suppose I'll just keep my eyes and ears open for opportunity. Maybe some day soon I can play my cards right or fate/timing/what-have-you can send me a break. Yes, still waiting for that day when I can quit searching cuz its still kind of lonely being alone. Till then, jobs, school, family, friends, and movies will have to keep me occupied.

Clash of my Titans

Sometimes, you can kind of catch yourself thinking. Perhaps thinking isn't the right word. Cuz its not just thinking. Its worrying or that talk that just brings you down. Sometimes I really wonder how the voice in my head became the kind of voice I want to drown out. It makes the idea of long hours by myself seem really hard. Especially with no distraction. Granted its not always like this. It seems sitting stationary while thinking is when the monster appears. But driving brings more of a focus towards it. It can let my thoughts reach the emotions they need to. I can cry in my car, speak outloud if necessary. I guess having that cone of silence where no one can hear you and you can just move along from place to place. Having a destination. Having a journey. But anyways, the negative thoughts. I don't know. I just sort of caught myself worrying unnecessarily. Worrying that the quality of someone's reply meant we weren't going to be as good of friends now. But I really think that's jumping the gun. Even then, I've learned that the kind of friends worth having around, are around. Perhaps not in your face about it. But if you were going through a tough time, you know they'd answer the phone kind of friends. This is a really random blog but that's cuz I'm freezing writing it. But, I really just wanted to get some words flowing on how I am. Its a big medley of emotions right now. And perhaps that's some bizarre form of balance cuz I can't really say good or bad. Nor can I say I feel no emotion at all. Its just that feeling you get when a lot of good and a lot of bad meet each other. That's where I'm at.

Elijah

It has now been two years since that tragic day that with each day following I can feel the ripples of its effect. A light in my life went out and its in these dark times in my life I wish I had that beacon of hope. However, it leaves me with the knowledge that I can be loved. That my raw emotion can be appreciated. That how I think is what may in fact be what is attractive about me. I read through an old chat between us and it reminded me that even when I'm all unglued and irrational, I am not terrible for it. Instead, I am genuine. And feeling things and being open about those feelings is not wrong. How I miss him some days. How I miss that laugh, that smile, his words of wisdom, and his real friendship. I have a feeling that he would have been the only person I would have really bothered to speak to from home. I do feel bad I don't keep in touch with my old friends from home and I do keep tabs. But, he's a bit different. He's that person that no matter how big the fight or how heart-breaking the moment, we'd still talk to each other. We were kind of war-buddies in that sense. Gone through the bullshit and come out the other side being friends and still loving each other. God did me a huge favor of bringing him into my life. I can see many do not find people that can say they truly love someone after the shit hits the fan and then some. I suppose that's why I'll never forget him. Cuz you don't forget your first real love. You don't forget such an unbelievable friend. You don't forget that unique of a person. And its days like today that I realize that the hole in my heart I carry is a blessing in disguise. Not to have lost someone so dear but to have someone that dear in the first place. The kind of love that inspires you to be poetic, to try really hard, to dream, and be a better person. So, as I say to you every night my love, sweet dreams and I miss you more than the space between emptiness and completeness. And from our song, "I can't believe something like you could happen to me." I hope to dance with you again under the stars and feel your warmth. I love you my Lijah and always will.

Family

As per usual, I get inspired by movies. It tends to trigger some sort of thought process. This time I'm reminded of my family. I do miss them a lot and have twinges of guilt from time to time on how much I miss out. I really miss my mom a lot from time to time. Sure, there's a lot of dark times but she's basically my rock. She's the woman that would go up to bat for me so nobody messed with me. She had the best of intentions in raising me. She always made me feel loved as well. And I often realize how much she supports me. Sure she gives me trouble from time to time but she lets me do what I please basically. She's really been an awesome mother and the person who I will always miss when I'm away from home. Heh, I still love how whenever I call she sounds excited to hear from me. I just feel that I only call when I need something from her. I think I'll try to call more. I just tend to get wrapped up in myself and busy. But I don't want to let that prevent me from talking to my mom.

And its definitely not just my mom that I miss. I freaking love my sisters. They are little bitches at times but hilarious and awesome at other times. I have so many stories about Katie that if I just think about I instantly start laughing. And its kind of sucky that I missing out on them growing up more. I only got to be there for them for 14 years. They've got these last few on their own. I just hope I've done right by them as a big sister. And I know I especially don't keep in touch with them as much as I ought to. Its just really hard trying to do all the things you want to and not getting distracted. And I feel a bit guilty in not coming home till God knows when but I don't want the animosity that goes with going home. I know I can't stay there long because I honestly don't have a life there anymore. But, I do have people I miss. I just hope they come visit me for the summer. Spring break is coming up and I don't think I'm going home. Which is weird. Part of me wants to go home and the other wants to stay. Just difficult deciding between staying with the life you are building and going back to a place that's been home for years. Just feels like I can't be whole anymore. Well, there's my ramblings for a bit. A bit of tear jerker for me if I must be honest.

Singles Awareness Day

Well, as the tradition goes, another year without a Valentine but still surprisingly had a good time. Its nice when friends come together on a day that ordinarily would be depressing. But, the day didn't come and go without some things to ponder over. Indeed, I start the day off by crying in the wee hours of the morning. Mostly cuz its been two years since last I saw him. I also took the time to talk to him. I don't know if he ever hears me but its nice to let someone know how scared I am at times. I'm always scared that the magic in my life has gone out. That I'll never love anyone so openly and unguarded again. That those parts of me that he brought out are gone forever. That I won't be inspired to sing anymore, even if its terrible. And it seems like its been such a long time to have those sides of me come out. I don't know if they are still there even. I keep thinking that some day I can look back on all this and think it was worth the wait to find someone so special, but its such a long road at times. I try and be patient. Get through my days. Embrace the good that's in my life. But, I'm tired of being on my own. I'm tired of my empty bed. I'm tired of not getting an opportunity to make someone else happy. I'm just a bit over the selfish part of my life and ready to have someone come into my life that I can focus on a bit. But, life is what it is. And things come into your life not on your time but on its own time. I just hope all this waiting and hoping can end at some point. Oh well. Perhaps another day closer to finding someone to fall for. And each heart-break may bring me closer to the person that won't.

The Lovely Bones

I watched a pirated version of that today and it just left me with this feeling that despite how time feels so long it really is short. I often see kids playing and it feels like only yesterday when I was one of them. Seems in a blink of an eye you go from dreaming about the world to having to deal with it. And somewhere along the way from that transition, we drop off some of our fantasies in order to be realistic. We lose those rather silly childish dreams. Mine was to own a house filled with secret passageways so my own house could be a constant place to explore. I wonder if its really cuz I realized it was an outlandish dream or if I simply forgot what its like to explore. But, perhaps one day I can find myself alone in a town I don't know and instead of freak out about how lost I am can just enjoy a walk discovering new things. One day I'll discover the world and come out behind the books I'm buried beneath. Just hard at times remembering why I'm doing all this stuff. But, we do the things we need to do so one day we can do the things we want to. So, some day. Some day. Till then, I leave you with this line that reminds us all that we need to enjoy the time we have here. "I was here for a moment and then I vanished."

Preliminary Blog Entry

Due to a friend doing this very same thing, I got inspired to try and write my thoughts down. Or try to write them down in a space that perhaps could be my own little corner of the internet. I used to do this very thing before I discovered people could use my words against me. So, perhaps (now that I believe I don't have the same undermining amount of friends) this new attempt will give me the freedom I once had. And perhaps with a weekly musing or two, I can make sense of life, myself, and others. So, here's my explanation for why I am writing this. Who knows who'll actually read it, but I suppose it'll be a journal more than anything. So, here's to the start of my sanctuary of words.